Talks
by LiLoDu
Summary: The new Mrs. de Winter has a very private talk to Beatrice. As usual, characters belong to Mrs. Du Maurier and I am not a native speaker. Reviews most welcome. Thank you and enjoy.


I really wondered what Beatrice wanted to talk to me about. She had called earlier and asked if she could come over for a chat. She had sounded nervous, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I was hoping it was not going to be another embarressing 'private talks'. Last time I saw her she had asked me if I was expecting. Of course I wasn't but I couldn't tell her that. I had simply replied „I don't think so." and she had gone on with _this_ subject for a while.

I met Beatrice in the libraby. I preferred it to the drawing room. It was a lot more welcoming than the room Rebecca had occupied. I could still feel her presence there and I hated that feeling.

„Good afternoon.", I welcomed her.

„Hello, my dear.", she replied, hugging me. „How are you today?"

„Very well, thank you.", I lied. „How are you?"

„Cannot complain, thank you."

I closed the door and made sure it was tightly closed. I did not want any of the servants, especially Mrs. Danvers to hear us talk. Then we sat down. I offered her tea and she watched me pouring hers.

„Now, my dear, the reason why I am here. I wanted to talk to you about something important.", she started.

I did not reply, I just nodded, so she went on.

„Maxim talked to me. Now don't get me wrong, not like you think. He is worried about you. And he wanted a woman's opinion on this."

I sighed and blushed. I knew what this was about. I should have known it.

„There is nothing to be worried or talk about, really. I appriciate you coming here and trying but really, Beatrice, I am perfectly fine."

„Oh I know you are. There's certainly nothing wrong with you. Still, what my brother has told me worries me a little, too. You see, he would usually never talk about this particular thing, espcially not to me. But the fact that he did shows that it seems important to him. And in fact, it is important."

I wished there was a hole I could hide in. I really did not want to discuss this. With anybody. And yet, I was thankful that I was finally able to talk to somebody. It had been torturing me ever since Maxim proposed to me. Not the proposal itself, but Mrs. Van Hopper's talk afterwards.

Oh, how often those words have been repeating in my head, again and again. After we got married, I almost cried at the prospect of being alone with him, waiting for my fate.

I was silent, lost in my thoughts. Beatrice's words brought me back to reality.

„Now Maxim told me you haven't... well, you know... consumated your marriage yet."

Blushing I looked down.

„He seemed really worried. He thinks you are afraid of him, scared of him. But you wouldn't talk to him about what's wrong. He doesn't want you to be scared of him, he's your husband."

„I'm not scared of him.", I said, my voice broken.

„That may very well be but what is it then? He even asked me if it really hurt that much to... you know... do it for the first time. He said he wouldn't know because Rebecca was not a virgin anymore when they had met. But he's really worried that the pain is what's bothering you."

I tried to hold back my tears. I so much wanted to tell her what was wrong. I wanted to tell Maxim that it was not because of him. But I just couldn't. What would they think of me?

„Well I can tell you one thing about that: It's not as bad as you might think it is. If you have a loving and caring husband – which you do – you won't have anything to worry about. Ok, it might not be like a walk at the beach but it won't hurt much and not for long, trust me. We've all been through it. And honestly, I don't even remember it much today. Can't have been that bad so. You'll be just fine, trust me."

She hugged me, givig me a reassuring look and she smiled.

But instead of smiling back I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke out in tears, falling into her arms.

„Now now, my dear, what's wrong? Come on, tell me."

Red eyed I looked up at her, sobbing. I tried to speak but tears would just drown my words.

„You can tell me, I will keep it a secret. Even to Maxim. I promise you."

I looked into her eyes and I knew she was serious. She was more like a friend to me in this moment than anybody had ever been before.

And so, I told her. I still recalled the exact words Mrs. Van Hopper had used...

„_...You don't seriously think he's in love with you, do you? He's just lonely at his big house, that's all. He's just a man after all, like any other one of them. He wants a young girl next to him, to show off. I don't see why out of all women he could have he picked you but that's none of my business. You know what your duty is going to be once you said 'I do', don't you? You may now think you love him. We all did when we married our men. But you'll wake up from your little dream land soon enough, trust me. He might be all sweet and charming with you know but I guarantee you, once you are married to him he's gonna be like all those other men out there. Men always think about that one think and you'll realise soon enough that he's not so much different from them. He wants a son, you know that. And he's going to make you have his son. Those rich and famous people are under a lot of pressure when it comes to producing a heir. Kings and Dukes in the past violently raped their wives to make sons. They even took maids to their beds. They can get very desperate, you know. _

_You better wake up now and realise this is a big mistake before you have to learn the hard way. Believe me, tomorrow night, after you have married him, he's gonna do what a man's got to do and rip you apart. You better lay still and think of something nice, you don't want to cry on your first night with your husband, do you? _

_And remember, he's been married before, to a beautiful, amazing woman. I still don't understand how he could possibly even think of the idea to marry you after being with a wife like Rebecca de Winter. But I guess he's just too desperate for a heir and still too hurt from losing her, so he would take anybody being stupid enough to think to be able to keep up with her. _

_I promise you, you will think of my words when he's impaling you again because you will not give him his son. But then it's going to be too late, darling, too late. You will already have ruined your life by then. That's when you will know that you failed his expectations..."_

There was a long silince between us.

„Now that woman must have had a very bad husband." Beatrice finally broke it. „Maxim might be tradional and longing for a heir, but you can trust me there, he would never ever hurt you. He would never want to a child to be conceived like that. He wants his children to grow up in a happy home with loving parents. He's always talked about how he could see his little ones to play in the garden, to run with the dogs, to sneak around the house past bedtime. Just like we did when we were little. Trust me, he might be mysterious sometimes and easily lose his temper but he would never punish you for something that's not up to you."

Her soft words about how Maxim imagined his children, our children, calmed me a little. I couldn't see him as being any of the men Mrs. Van Hopper had described. After all, he had been so incredibly patient with me for the past three months since our wedding. I loved him so much and I really wanted to be the wife to him that we wanted and deserved. But then, everytime we were alone, those words and this fear kicked back in and were ruining the moment.

„Now tell me, what's excately happening when you are with him?"

Not so long ago I would have been angry about a question like that. Angry and embarressed. But now I felt confident in being able to tell Beatrice everything. I knew she would not tell anybody and she would help me.

I sighed. Then I started telling her. And she listened patiently and without interrupting me. She had taken my hand and held it, while I confessed my deepest secrets to her.

„It was all so perfect on our wedding night. He was gentle and patient and just amazing. Whenever he touched me or kissed me, I felt like I was on fire. First I felt unconfortable being naked in front of him, under him. But he gave me the feeling of being safe with him and that we had all the time in the world. And then, when the time had come to...become one, those words came back to my head and I couldn't relax anymore. It hurt so much when he tried to... you know. He stopped, apologizing for hurting me. After a while he tried again, but again I was too tensed so it hurt again. He eventually stopped and we decided to leave it.

But that happened everytime when we tried to... do it. It's not like I don't want to. I just... I can't. And it's killing me dissapointing him. Mrs. Van Hopper was right, I'm failing. I can't even fulfill my duties as a wife, how am I ever going to be the woman by his side if I can't even do that?"

„Now that is nonsense. You are not failing and you are not dissapointing him. He loves you. And that is why he came to me in the first place. Not because he's dissapointed. Because he's worried he's putting you under too much pressure and that he's the reason for your fears. He so much wants to love you like a husband should love his wife. But he feels he's expecting too much and that you are already regretting having married him."

„Oh I don't! I love him so much. I am happy with him. But it's just how everybody makes me feel here. As if I could never make it and I guess that makes it even worse. The more time goes by, the more pressure there is."

„You shouldn't care what everybody else here thinks. It's none of their business. It's what Maxim thinks of you that counts. And he holds a lot on you, he loves you. And he wants you to be safe here and happy. And if it makes you feel better, Giles and I are here for you, too. We have learned right away when we met you for the first time that you are the best thing that could have happened to Maxim. I am very happy he married you and I wish you both happiness. I want you to know that you can always come to me if there is anything. We both know men can be useless for listening to problems sometimes. Maxim and Giles are not different. They are men after all. But you've got a good husband. And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. I'm saying that because I am your friend."

„Thank you, Beatrice.", I smiled weakly.

„You are very welcome." She hugged me again. Then she looked at me again with those wise eyes. „And now tell me, is there any happy memory of you and Maxim that you think of whenever you're felling sad?"

„I often remember our little trips up to the cliffs of Monte Carlo."

„Very well. Next time, you and Maxim are alone and he is trying to... make love to you, you think of that and you'll see what wonders a little happy thinking can do."

When I blushed again she smiled. We hugged and I felt very relieved to have talked to her.

The door outside interrupted us. Maxim had returned.

We withdrew from the hug and she smiled reassuring. „I better go now. Your husband's here now and will probably sit down in here to read his newspapers."

I nodded and we both got up.

„Thank you again, Beatrice. I really appriciate you listened."

„Don't thank me for that. We're family now. I have longed for a friend to talk to for so long. Rebecca wasn't much of a friend, you know. I'm glad to have you here now. Now I better go. Giles will be hungry already and he would never start dinner without me. Men, you know. Like babies sometimes, very depending on their women. They couldn't live without us."

I laughed. My husband most surely did not fit that picture but still, I could imagine Giles very well starving without his wife. He seemed like a very nice and loving man, but also a very depending one.

On our way to the door, she quickly said hello to Maxim. Not a long chat, just a quick 'You should come over to dinner again soon.' and 'We should take the horses out for a ride again.' and then she left. At the door, she had whispered a quiet „Good luck." before she had driven off.

And as always, Beatrice was right. What wonders a little happy thinking could do...


End file.
